Type: ... humor? i tried.
Challenge: Revenge In Which Fan Writer is ... Cornered.
Rating: pg 13 because i am not a mary sue, so my language is not so clean.
Time: roughly 30 minutes
Disclaimer: all these characters belong to you know who
Notes: Um, yeah. This was hard to do, very.
The following is a transcript of a telephone call from section XXII, code 39. The names and voices of the persons involved, whether ‘fictional’ or nonfictional has not been edited or distorted in any way to protect the innocent.
Complaint filed against Rigel by various characters.
Rigel: Uh, hello?
Person 1: Hello, is this the writer of various short stories, all of which are entirely incorrect and full of untrue stories?
Rigel: Perhaps, who is this?
Person 1: I would like to let you know that a civil case file has been placed against you, my associates and I are suing you for emotional damage, mental damage and a few other things as well.
Rigel: … that’s nice, but I still don’t know how you are.
Person 1: I am the ‘character’ named Miroku, the monk from Inu Yasha, and I’ll have you know that my associates and I do not appreciate the abuse and lack of plots you have put us through in your offensive writing.
Rigel: “Offensive” my ass, you know you loved it.
Person 1 who shall know be known as Miroku: I absolutely did not enjoy all those plots that you have put me through, and neither does Sesshoumaru, in fact, we’re seeking counseling for the consequences of your writing.
Sesshoumaru: And we’re suing for BIG MONEY, biatch.
Rigel: (sigh) Ya’know, that’s nice and all, but I think I had a wee bit too much medication in my system, I’m gonna take a nice long nap now. So if you don’t mind—
Sesshoumaru: You hear? We want BIG MONEY! That’s twelve BILLION dollars! One, two and eight zeros after that!
Miroku: Um, Sesshoumaru, that’s nine zeros.
Sesshoumaru: Yeah, NINE ZEROs. And we want it in one easy payment, biatch.
Rigel: Stop calling me that.
Sesshoumaru: What? is it bugging you, BIATCH? HAH, I did it again!
Rigel: I’ll make a note to have Miroku tie you to a tree and do ungodly things to you in my next fan fiction…
Miroku: Wow, we’re going to have action south of the border, now? Kinky…
Sesshoumaru: I protest! By the time we’re done with this lawsuit, you won’t even have a computer to type on!
Iruka: Um, I want to say something too, you know. Anyway, I am taking part in this lawsuit because ever since Kakashi stumbled on one of your little writing escapades, he’s been giving me this weird… look. And it freaks me out, so I’m suing for the cost it took to hire a full time shinobi body guard.
Miroku: … but you are a shinobi.
Iruka: I never said I was a good one in combat, now did I?
Rigel: Iruka, you know you loved it, now stop denying the truth and let me go to bed, my head hurrts.
(From far away somewhere) Kakashi: Irukaaa, the hotbath is ready…
Iruka: oh shit, where’s my body guard?
Sesshoumaru: Oh, you mean that thin scrawny guy in black? Yeahh, I sent him out to get me a chocolate frap. He should be back in an hour or so, I sent him to the far one.
Kakashi: Come here, the water’s getting cold.
Iruka: oh shit, oh shit, oh double shit! Stop touching me! GAH, no! STOP!!
Othello: This is the fifth Prince of Hell speaking, is this the one known as Rigel?
Rigel: Zzzzz…. ZZZzz…
Othello: Hello? Why isn’t any one attending to the phone? I will not be ignored like this! I am the Fifth Prince of Hell, Othello! I demand that someone answer me!
Rigel: Mmrmm… *snort, choke* Huh? Oh yeah, what?
Othello: I am Othello, the Fifth Prince of Hell, and I would like to sue you for physical damage. Because of you, I had my eye gorged out by a certain bountry hunter. That is the eye from my handsome face, mind you.
Rigel: You’ve got the wrong person, you’re looking for Mizuki Hakase, your creator. She had that whole thing planned, I just spiced up the drama. By the way, how is darling Mitsume?
Othello: He is somewhat alive, chained to the bed post, but he’s been ressurected for the fifth time this week. An improvement from the 12 ressurections he’s recived last week…
Rigel: I heard somewhere that Coconut lube was on sale, if you’re interested. Maybe that would kind of … ease him in… whatever you guys do. Oh shit, I have a nose bleed. Hang on.
Othello: Sale? Hmm, I’ll go check that out. Thanks for the advice, consider the charges dropped, I have no use for Earth money anyhow, and being the Prince, I have billions of Barons ( Hell’s currency according to ANO) diposed at my feet everyday. It’s a little less than what baby brother gets, but then again, he is King.
Miroku: What the hell? You’re supposed to help us sue her, dammit!
Othello: So I dropped the charges, got a problem with that?
Miroku: I damn well have a problem with that!
Sesshoumaru: I thought monks aren’t supposed to curse. I let that womanizing thing subside since you need to pass on your blood, but now you’re …
Miroku: Shut the fuck up, dog breath!
Sesshoumaru: Go fuck yourself, monk!
Rigel: Hey, hey! With all this talking of shutting the fuck up and fucking yourself, it makes me wonder why I’m being sued for a few harmless fictions. I mean, I never had you guys do anything! and the only thing you guys do do, its behind the scenes! A LIME!
Toboe: Oh! Lime? Did someone say lime? Its not as good as a piece of steak, but it’s still food! Where?
Miroku: Where the hell did you come from?
Sesshoumaru: I think they’re Tsume and Toboe, from that one series with the wolves. They got abused too.
Miroku: Welcome to the club.
Sesshoumaru: Hey, that guy with the scar over that looks interesting. Hey! What’s shakin’?
Tsume: Piss off, elven ears.
Sesshoumaru: Oh yeah? *transforms in to demon* How about that?
Tsume: Nice. Say, isn’t there a bar here?
Sesshoumaru: I know a nice cave, how about that?
Tsume: Let’s go. Toboe, get back to the others, I’ll be back late. Real late.
Toboe: Aww, can’t I come with you?
Tsume: Why, runt?
Sesshoumaru: (whisper) You know, a threesome can be fun.
Tsume: Kinky, but I like the way you think, elven ears. Alright, c’mon Toboe, but if you slow us down…
Toboe: I won’t, I promise!
Sesshoumaru: By the way Miroku, I’m dropping charges, this whole court shit is making my hairs turn white with boredom.
Miroku: You can’t do that! And your hair is already white!
Sesshoumaru: Silver, asshole, silver. All those nights spent fucking up to eachother and you still can’t get it right. Later.
Miroku: Come back here! Fine, if everyone leaves, I’ll do it myself. Rigel, see you in court two days from now.
Miroku: STOP IGNORING ME!
Rigel: Alright! I’m up!
Miroku: You hear that? Two days from now, be there.
Rigel: And what if I don’t want to? I still need a lawyer you know. And how the hell am I supposed to come up with 12 billion? I don’t even have a hundred dollars.
Miroku: I don’t care, I want the money and I want it in one nice easy payment. If you don’t pay up, I’ll have your innards spread all over the floor so the demons can come eat them. And when you’re buried, I won’t pray for you! HAH!
Rigel: For you? what about the others? Didn’t they take part in this civil lawsuit too?
Miroku: They did… but that doesn’t matter. You’re going down, BITCH!
Rigel: Why? I mean, they were just harmless little fiction stories, and why me? you could have sued all these other people for their explict stories, and here go you trying to sue me when all I’ve had you done was kiss Sesshoumaru.
Miroku: Kiss by FORCE.
Rigel: You know you loved it, don’t run from the truth.
Miroku: I did not! And besides, he’s gone now, he went to go frolicking in a cave with a bunch of wolves.
Miroku: Yeah… so there’s your warning. You. Are. Being. Sued.
Rigel: Quick question: aren’t you fictional?
Miroku: Fucking bitch! Now I’m melting! Noes! You said the “F” word!!
Rigel: What? Fiction?
Miroku: NOES! YOU DID IT AGAIN, YOU BITCH! I’m melting! All your damn fault! I’m melting!!!!111one!!!!!111!!!oneone!!!
Rigel: … please stop calling me, I’m tired, I’m sleep deprived and I have an essay to write tomorrow, you FICTIONOUS character! Plzkthx.
Miroku: You fucktard, stop saying that!!! *bubble, bubble*
Rigel: guess I’m not being sued. HAPPY Zs! *Click*
Miroku: *bubble, bubble*
Shinobi dude: Um, Sesshoumaru sama, they were all out of chocolate, so I got you a strawberry frap instead—EW, I stepped in dog shit! And its got eyes and a staff!