midgetmnm (midgetmnm) wrote in temps_mort,

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Hello. This is my first post here and my first attempt at one of the challenges. I hope I did it justice.

Title: The Planning Phase
Author: midgetmnm
Fandom: Naruto
Type: Shounen-ai
Pairing/Characters: Shikamaru/Naruto
Rating: PG for language.
Summary: Shikamaru ponders the troubles in his relationship with Naruto.
Disclaimer: I do not own any of these characters.
Challenge: 1POV, PT
Time: 60 minutes

I can remember a time when my life was a hell of a lot less complicated. I spent whatever time I could manage watching clouds with my best friend and avoiding anything that required effort. The hardest thing I ever did those days was train. Physically, it's still the same. I've found that there are things that require more effort, much to my disgust. Like this relationship, such as it is.

Sometimes I wonder why I try at all. There are days when the only thing we seem able to do is hurt each other. Every word, every action, every look feels calculated to strike at the most vulnerable place on the other. We are warriors and everything we do is a reflection of that. When we fight I almost hate you, mostly because I'm not only fighting you but the part of me that says 'hey, you don't fight someone you're close to'. Within me is a tiny voice that screams that this is wrong and that just makes me madder.

I hate it when you give me that false smile as you try to deflect my anger. The one you use on everyone, when you don't want them to know what you're thinking. You smile so wide no one can see your eyes, because you know how expressive they are. Your eyes show not only your soul but your heart as well. That's why you hide them and that's what pisses me off so much.

I know that all the answers to my questions are there, somewhere, if I can just find them. But every time I get too close or bring up something uncomfortable you hide behind that smile and I loose my temper. When I calm down I can't really regret starting the fight, although I do regret the consequences. That doesn't stop me from trying again, although it makes no sense. It feels like I'm hitting my head against a brick wall. It hurts more every time and the pain lasts longer each time, but I still do it. Maybe I've become a masochist.

The making up, though, that's something special. I can look into your eyes until I feel like I'm drowning as I apologize. When we're alone your eyes darken as you struggle with some emotion. Then you smile and lights dance in your eyes. At those times they remind me of summer evenings, when fireflies dance through the air to music only they can hear. I used to love watching them, just watching because it was too much effort to catch them. Once I watched you the same way, until I couldn't stand just watching anymore. I wonder if that's why I haven't figured out how to catch you yet. I haven't had any practice.

That's one of my greatest abilities, though, isn't it? Figuring things out and then making strategies to fit the situation. My one claim to a fame I don't want. In this case it just might be useful. The next time I get you alone the outcome is going to be different. We can both count on that.
Tags: *type: m/m, [animanga] naruto, author: midgetmnm

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